HeartBreak and Outrage - POSTED ON: Sep 29, 2018
The Obviousness of Brett Kavanaugh
by flynfinch - Sept 28, 2018
How subtly our world can distort what we are witness to. What is so very obvious.
How it can make us think WE are the vandals of character for noting the overt harshness in others. That WE are somehow misaligned in our compassion for calling out entitled self-indulgence. That WE are somehow rude for bearing witness to incivility.
WE, who just happen to see a thing illuminated for what it is.
I watched Dr. Ford. I watched Judge Kavanaugh.
I then watched the news.
I heard them call it a draw.
I saw republicans exhale.
"He said. She said."
"They were both believable."
"Each told their own truth."
Wait, what!? huh? Did YouTube live-stream an Oliver Stone adaptation of the hearing with an alternate ending?
What did everyone else see?
I went to bed a bit dazed, fighting back the apathy that inevitability brings. Because of the drain of the hearing, yes. But also because I felt like I was living in some universe that had forgotten the laws it was supposed to operate under. As if gravity had loosened its hold a bit and we were slightly less tethered to the ground below us.
I then woke up thinking... THIS. IS. BULLSHIT.
And I re-watched Kavanaugh's testimony
I sat awed at the level of hostility and bluster that huffed out of him in all directions. His willingness to push his anger OUTWARD to anyone in the frame of his pressured stare.
And in the dullest, smallest sort of way. Like an angry 13 year old that lacks creativity and a good vocabulary. Not a smart-ass. Just an ass.
It was something I had seen before. Many times before. When prideful men get mad at the truth. When they lie in the most outrageous sort of way that defies your own senses. That momentarily baffles you into questioning yourself.
Everything is turned external. All of the mess, all of the problem, all of the consequence, it is the fault of The Other. Need not worry what precisely The Other is ... pointless really ... just note it exists, and it is capitalized as a proper noun.
He is a martyr, and a very very loud martyr. Falling on the sword of ... ??? I am still not entirely too sure what sword he thought he was falling on.
Oh! Yes. His sacrifice was to the narrative of self-determination. The self aggrandizing meritocratic fiction that enables men to imagine that going to Yale law and playing basketball is somehow an alibi for attempted rape.
I keep hearing that Kavanaugh took a page out of the "trump playbook.” But let's be clear here. THERE IS NO PLAYBOOK. This is not a strategy. This is not a tactic. This is HIM. This is THEM. This is the core and obvious element of who they are. This outlandish sense of entitlement that enables them to uniformly dismiss an unfavorable consequence of a reality of their own making.
That behavior, no matter what society may incline you to assume, is not simply "how men express themselves." It is not the self-aware tapping of a well of unwieldy but sincere male emotion.
No. IT IS ALL SURFACE. It is doing everything in his power to refuse to look inwards. To refuse to acknowledge. It is the reaction of a narcissist.
Which is ever the more notable when placed alongside the behavior of someone wishing nothing more than to better get to the truth.
Dr. Ford did not scream at partisan Republicans for not calling for a more thorough investigation. For not requiring the other primary witness to appear. For not even having the balls to ask her questions directly.
Dr. Ford did not yell at the dregs of our society that would spew such hateful venom to cause her to hire personal guards and move homes.
And Dr. Ford never once even rose her voice to express particular hatred against the man she is positive assaulted her.
Instead, she FELT. You could see her feeling - as her thoughts came into contact to that unsolicited experience deeply fixed within her. She did not rage on the outside because she understood the THING most real and haunting was on the inside. It was a part of her. Her words were not daggers to some external threat. Because she knows, LIVES, the reality that the threat has already been executed. And that she must confront it everyday. On her own. In her own quietness.
Kavanaugh wielded the words of righteous scorn. Of indignant rage. Of provocation. He was not a man tightly and humbly drawn inward, looking for answers, wanting truth. He was a man habitually driven to confuse the world (and perhaps himself) by confronting everything and everyone except for inconvenient reality of who he may be.
The sort of confrontation with reality that Dr. Ford has been reliving since she was 15.
Do not let the world convince you Kavanaugh's behavior is HONEST. Or PURE. Or COMPELLING. Because the world too sometimes lies to your face.
No. That sort of behavior is EVASIVE. And DEFLECTING. And ENTITLED. And mostly, OBVIOUS.
It is true that we cannot precisely know for certain who is telling the truth.
But it takes no comprehensive analysis to decipher between SHE who sought the truth and HE who had the luxury of remaining indifferent to it.
We all saw it. Illuminated.
I join those who are feeling a need to Rant while Eating Cake.
See video below
Map = Directions - POSTED ON: Sep 12, 2018
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On Vulnerability - POSTED ON: Sep 01, 2018
I find the thoughts expressed in the article and video below to be compelling.
The unbearable vulnerability of eating enough.
by Michelle @ fatnutritionist.com
If I were to pull a theme out of all the conversations I had about food and eating this summer, it would be black-and-white thinking. By that I mean, thinking in all-or-nothing terms, swinging between two extremes, and never pausing to consider the middle ground. In fact, actively resisting the middle ground.
There is so much black-and-white thinking about eating in our culture, that sometimes I start to wonder if we have an allergy to moderation. It seems that moderation (by which I mean: eating enough to feed your life, while respecting your body’s fullness signals) must be a place of intense vulnerability, or we would not avoid it with such urgency.
Some people restrict their food intake in order to give their bodies less than they need, and some people feed their bodies more than they have the capacity to process, and I think both sets of behaviors are encouraged by our culture in many ways.
Let me stop to define “eating moderately,” since we live in a cultural hellscape that takes words like this and redefines them to mean something like “eating less than you want or need and pretending it’s okay.” In my own life and in my work with clients, I’ve come to understand moderation as eating enough, and pleasurably enough, to be able to stop thinking about food for a while.
Eating moderately means your sensations of hunger go away for a bit, usually a few hours, and thoughts about food that are precursors to hunger (not hobbyist enthusiasm about food, and not the food preoccupation that is either a hallmark of long-term deprivation or a coping mechanism that has come to replace all other coping mechanisms) also cease. At the same time, you’re not troubled by the discomforts of over-fullness, or signs of physical distress that come with having eaten something that doesn’t agree with you, in a quantity your body can’t handle.
In this space of not-thinking-or-fantasizing-or-feeling-uncomfortable-about-food, there is room for thinking about, and doing, the things that make life meaningful.
In fact, I suspect that’s exactly where the vulnerability comes in: because if you’re not obsessing about food, either eating less of it than you need, or more than your body truly wants, what should you do?
It is a big, frightening question. Especially in a culture obsessed with careerism, credentialism, and “achievement” of a very specific and limited variety.
When I started this work, I didn’t realize this would be such a source of terror for people, and that, in order to avoid it, food obsession and disordered behaviour might rush in. But once I witnessed how often people actively resist eating in a way that is comfortable, even though they may suffer intensely from their disordered eating, I had to ask why. As far as I can tell, for many people I’ve talked to, it’s about avoiding the uncertainty and inherent riskiness of life. One of the major sources of uncertainty and risk is the question of what to do, and how to make meaning, with the limited time we have.
The only comfort I have to offer is this: humans are meaning-making machines. Our lives, when told back to ourselves, become stories that tell universal truths about being alive. There is pain and sorrow, joy and wonder, filth and beauty in living.
Meaningful lives are not reserved only for the rich or beautiful or uniquely gifted. There is meaning in being of service to others, in making someone’s day slightly less crappy, in laughing with a friend, making music, petting a dog, eating a good meal, or watching the wind stir some leaves. Everything we do and experience can be made into meaning, if we’re willing to be here for the experience.
When you are hurt or frightened very badly, it can become tempting not to do much at all: not to connect with others, not even to experience the present moment, your body and the world as they are, right now. Life can get very small, and may feel empty and pointless. If this is the situation you find yourself in, the only answer I know is to find a way, maybe with support from a friend or therapist, to start being present and pushing out again.
Being among people, among animals and nature, feeling what is happening in your body, and feeling compassion for yourself and for every small, warm, breathing thing alive in this big, cold, inert universe reminds you that we are all in this together. We’re part of the organic mulch that makes up the thin, sentient top layer of earth. Don’t go underground. Don’t substitute a life for made-up rules about food.
You’re vulnerable because you’re alive. Being alive means feeling things, so feel them. Grab a pillow, an animal, or another human if it helps, and let yourself. Try a thing, make a mistake, tell someone you like their earrings. Eat a meal that fills you up and gives you life.
In the video below Brene Brown talks about vulnerability and human connection -- our ability to empathize, to belong, to love.
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